The following is rather long and I expect that there will be both questions and discussion; however, it is worth including:
“Why does he do that? This is the age-old question. People ask this question when they see a child throw a “fit” in the store. Why does he behave like that? To date, an often-cited explanation of such undesirable behavior involves a hypothesis about the brain’s development in the child “afflicted” with such behavior. The underpinning of the undesirable tantrum behavior is hypothesized to be the result of some abnormality or underdevelopment of some part(s) of the brain. As further evidence of brain involvement, in some cases, such behavior along with other behaviors forms the basis for a mental disorder. Below is an excerpt from a hypothetical lecture in a Child Psychology class...If you are a therapist concerned with behavior, this book is a must read; however there is more to environment than just the behaviors of the adults and as the above authors acknowledge, there is more to behavior than just the environment. We’ll talk about a few important elements.
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45 comments:
I think counseling may help to a certain extent but the child Oskar plainly knows that his mother is going to give up and he will get his way...is this how we should handle this situation?
No, it is unfortunate this went this long. This would have been much easier to deal with when the child was younger. At some point this child is going to have to learn that there are limits and consequences. If his mother is not able to teach him this, eventually society will. The sooner he learns this the better. If they mother is not able to do this without additional support then she may need some outside support to make it happen. It is hard to judge a mother in this situation. There are a number of reason why it may have gone this far. Consistent boundaries and consequences, both negative and positive need to be imposed asap.
CR Petersen
I think that this is very interesting and it is unfortunate that this little guy has his own mother figured out, he knows exactly what buttons to push to get his way. In no way is this an appropriate behavior of this mother, either, as she is allowing this to happen. What I would like to know, is the correct way to handle this situation.
The best way to handle this has long past. This child needed to learn a long time ago that there were boundaries and that mom meant what she said and that there were consequences for this type of behavior. The time may already be past when mom can physically keep him from leaving and she may need some help; however, there are other things that she can still do. Whatever she does though she is probably going to need some additional support. She can talk with the school about where she can get support and she may have to enlist the help of law enforcement before it’s all done.
At this time, she can sit down with him, perhaps by his bed in the evening and in the morning and let him know that things are going to change. She has options, things that are within her control. I would want to know more about her, her situation, and the boy before recommending any of this; however, here are a few options.
Though all of this she needs to let him know that she loves him but will no longer accept this behavior and will no longer allow him to treat her this way.
She can lock up his toys and personal items that are not required for school and those things he needs to do. They may need to be locked up somewhere else so he doesn’t get them. She can gradually give them back to his as he completes certain tasks. This could be done through a contract. She he get out of control, she can call the police.
Meals can become very simple and just the basic healthy needs.
Should he steel, she can also call the police.
If he gets an allowance, that should end immediately. For now on it’s pay as you perform.
I can go on and on. There are lots of things still in her control. She is the parent, she controls the money and she controls all the property in the house, including what he considers his. This may sound rather harsh; however, she had better get a handle on this now before he gets to be 16 or 17.
CR Petersen
I am learning that this quote is so true! "You change child behavior by changing the behavior of the adults who deal with that child. Pure and simple." The kids I care for are a direct reflection of the consistant feedback I give to them.
Absolutely excellent point Kelly.
Pete
It may not be helpful for just Oskar to go through therapy, but could the parents and child together be more effective? The parents need to be taught how to deal with the childs behavior. The child needs to be told by another adult, one that they do not know how to control, what is expected of them.
Involveing both the parent and child is the only way to help.
This is very interesting. I believe that the child's response is directly related to the parents actions. I have seen time and time again how parents who stay consistent and follow through do not have this problem nearly as often. It is not to say that their child won't push every button to see what they can get away with, but they eventually give up or settle with a compermise that is still within the boundaries the parents set. The parents/ providers also need to be aware of what they are asking of the child and make sure that it is not too overwhelming or unreasonable.Perhaps Oskar needed a little time after school before digging into his homework.
I truly believe it wouldn't take a lot of time to turn Oskar's behavior around when Mom becomes more consistent with her behavior and setting boundaries for her son. She has to become and stay the leader of her pack. Once she establishes this relationship with her son, not only will he begin to cooperate with her, but he will also gain respect for her in the whole process.
It is unfortunate that the child has power over the mother. My children's doctor, when they were young always told me, that when they the first time they told me no, they knew exactly when they were saying and that is when you(as the saying goes) nip it in the butt.
I do believe that counseling may help Oskar but I don't think he should be the only one taking counseling. I think the whole family should in order to correct the behavior but one must keep an open mind because the child may have bought home the behavior from school but that is not only the case. Maybe even just sitting down and discussing the issue at hand and coming up with a compromise for both could end in a win-win situation.
carolyn
Interesting point.....you change the behavior by the adult changing his behavior. I totally agree. To be fair to the child....communication is key. Eye to eye contact..and have him repeat what you asked of him and ask for his response...Communication
shildren shock you when they show you things they learn and its our job to redirect them to do things correctly.
As a mother of 6 I frequently ask myself this question. I think that in all truth knowing there is a problem is the first step to fixing it.
I have a quick question. I am a mother of twins and no stranger to developmental delays with both of my kids. The twins just entered kindergarten for one the transition was fine but for the other a nightmare. She refuses to listen to the teacher, she runs out of the classrooms and in worst case scenarios she kicks and spits at teachers and administrators. Before the school year started I asked for her speech to be tested because in her pre-k she had speech therapy and I wanted it to be continued. They end up transfering her to a smaller classroom with more teachers which I was okay with but the behaviors did not subside. We end implementing behavior charts as well as reward programs for her. I also enrolled her in behavioral therapy outside of the school. The behavior subsided for about a couple of months now all of sudden the behavior has returned. Now what bothers me is that she doesn't do this at home why is she doing it at school. I know the kicking and spitting is wrong but how do I tell the school(in a nice way) that they are somehow triggering this negative behavior.
Something is triggering the behavior; but from what you have told me I can not be certian it is the school. That would seem logical; however, it is not certian. The BEST thing that could be done would be to have someone who knows what they are doing do a functional analysis of behavior. That would be your best bet in finding the key to the problem...which may be the school or something else. I could make a long list of possibilities, but a good functional analysis of behavior (aka functional behavioral analysis) would tell you and be the quickest route to solving the problem.
How fascinating. I have a 19 year old and a 8 year old. I have been down this road with my kids pushing me to try to get what they want. I do believe there are disorders, however, kids will test their parents and if the parent, for ex: in Oskar's case just let's him go outside. This only tells him one thing as the article stated. It works for him...so he will likely do this again. Although my kids have never been combative..thank God..I do know that kids will just act this way to get their way and their may be no disorder..just kids being kids. However, How can we tell as daycare providers or parents if they are just acting normal or if it is something more serious? I think these things need to be handled early on. I also agree with the article that the parent needs to change their behavior and how they react to the child's behavior. If one keeps doing the same thing over and over in my mind they will get the same reasults from the child. shannon t
If it's inappropriate behavior, it's inappropriate behavior and adjustments need to be made in order to improve the behavior.
anonymous
i think some of it is very interesed on the other hand i do not think that all of it is true like the tantrums that is not caused by there brain not being fully developed it comes from parents letting there child do anything they want to an then when they dont get there way they show out an act like they are a 1 year old child an they are 5 or 6
It's amazing how children act without being taught, you would think they learn their actions in the womb, but how can that be possible. Can a child's behavior be learned in the womb? Can a child's behavior be learned from the womb due to hearing what is going on in the environment outside of the womb? These are 2 questions to ponder on.
Selena
Behavior can come from a lot of sources.
This is a very sensitive issue in my viewpoint due to imposing laws the parent or guardian are limited to what they can do to help correct a child's unruly behavior. A child will do whatever that child is allowed to do because of a lack of discipline in that child's life. Talking and giving a child a time out is fine. But what if the situation get out of hand? I know, the bible says, spare the rod, spoil the child, it also say's that foolishness is in the heart of a child but the rod of correction will drive it far from them. The law says, spank a child, you go to jail. The bible say's, if you fail to discipline your child they will only grow up to bring you to an open shame. I'm not advocating child abuse. Far from it. But where do we draw the line. We place our children in even more danger of not developing correctly if we start labling them as having a mental disorder and putting them on medication which I deem could be a form of abuse, when we fail to propertly discipline them. What do you all think?
I think I need to give a bit more clarity to my last comment.
Parent's and guardian's need to know the proper way to discipline children. What is appropriate and what is unappropriate. At whst age should this begin. This is all situational and no child should be subject to any form of abuse. A special class in parental discipline would be something new to try and perhaps we will fewer children institutionalized.
Please proof read articles before posting on the web. This particular article, "Why does s/he do that" has copy errors. The number of typos and misspellings I found in the article was horrifying at best. Not very professional.
I also think the research on this subject needs to be brought up to date; much has changed. This article does nothing more than reflect the personal opinion of an adult. Why is no credence given to the child?? Children are people, like you and I, and have a right to be heard and listened to. I thought the days of dictatorial parenting had come to a close. Now I see not. Such a waste of good adult talent!
Yes, there is much new research which cooborates this information. Yes, children are people too and yes, if a child is having a behavioral problem, the first places to look are the environment and the adults around the child.
I understand that there are conditions out there that effect children's actions but then there are times where the child is just down right bad. I don't blame the child I blame the parent and the society that won't allow parents to properly discipline there children. Today if a parent even looks like they are going to punish there child, their child knows that they can pull the police card and then get away with it. I feel that there is a difference between proper punishment and abuse. The less our children are punished for their bad actions, the more they are likely to wild out.
I have a landlord who is 74 years old and an original cowboy. When he was 13 yrs. old he was camping by his self in the mountains watching a herd of sheep. His dad would come up once every two weeks so then he could go home and get supplies and then go back up the mountain. There is no way in hell you would catch children holding responsibility like that today.
I'm pretty sure my landlords parents disciplined him when he needed it and they kept him in line. Otherwise he would be like my whiny, childish, 13 yr. old brother who doesn't know what responsibility even means and keeps pulling the police card to get out of trouble. Can you imagine a child like that being responsible for a herd of sheep, three dogs, catching his own food and protecting himself and the herd from wolfs, bears, and cougars? The difference between generations is pretty sad. Especially when things have gone down hill instead of improving or at least staying on track.
Its amazing how many factors can affect a child's behavior. With Oskar it can be a disorder, or his father left and he is taking it out on his mom, the way his mom handles the situation or there could be so many other factors. Therapy can help both Oskar and his mom but it may not. If one strategy doesn't work, they need to try another. The behavior is really bad and it needs to be resolved before it get any worse.
MAA
Its amazing how many factors can affect a child's behavior. With Oskar it can be a disorder, or his father left and he is taking it out on his mom, the way his mom handles the situation or there could be so many other factors. Therapy can help both Oskar and his mom but it may not. If one strategy doesn't work, they need to try another. The behavior is really bad and it needs to be resolved before it get any worse.
MAA
I can relate to Okars mother. My son has ODD and it's difficult to keep your cool all the time when the behavior gets bad. Sometimes its better just to let them goinstead of a huge fight escalting.Counsling is hard for a child. They have to talk with adults at school and at home about their problem so seeing another adult talking about whats going on drains them. To help my son with his behavior we try to find an activity he likes and he has to work toward being able to do that activity. It works most times but we still struggle.
So many factors can be the reason for Oskars behavior. Family issues can be happening or even just with so many adults telling him what to do in a day can be overwhelming. As an adult we make most of our decisions of what we are going to do or act without someone else telling us. Children don't get that freedom. They are expected to act how we want and do what we tell them to. Some children may just get overwhelmed and act out. As far as counsling it might help but then again it involves another adult. Sometimes we need to try and see the child's perspective. AS far as Oskar's mother goes she may be overwhelmed herself and has done everything possible to help the situation. Not all solutions help every situation. Its the solution that fits into to lifestyle of people with the situation.
I believe that counseling would not be beneficial to Oskar. I think that he knows how to work his mom into getting what he wants.
After working with children in the elementary classroom for about 22 years I have noticed a few things. First, parents don't want to take the blame for their child's behavior at school being a reflection of behaviors allowed at home. They would rather use the excuse of a disorder and medicate the kid unnecessarily. Second, counselors can only do so much as well as educators using behavior modification techniques in the class. The main push for intervention must come from home. Finally, when it is an actual disorder it will be evident because the appropriate medications in conjunction with interventions will be highly effective most of the time. Parents need to stop being so concerned with the way the family will be viewed and start doing what is right and beneficial for their child.
Susan, you are absolutely correct!
she needs structure in her life
I think a good analogy may be that just as in any sport, a team working together is going to get the most points in the end. I think as a child care provider it is worthy to note that although we may be of heavy influence to children, ultimately we can not "fix" children and their behavioral problems. We are only one piece to the entire puzzle. If everyone caring for this child is on the same page, then the child will show the most improvement. Often times parents/guardians will have false belief that child care providers/teachers/counselors/therapists,etc. are all trained professionals that have the ability to change their children, when really all along they are the biggest influence on their children, it just takes a little effort to learn good techniques as to how to be an effective role model in their life.
Oskar sounds just like a 3 year old child that we had at our childcare. Her parents took her to a therapist who diagnosed her as having Oppositional Defiant Disorder. The therapist suggested medication and counseling. The child was very proud that she had a disorder and had to take medicine for it. She used the diagnosis as a crutch to do whatever she wanted. The parents insisted that they had to issues with her at home and was sure it was something that we were doing. She refused to sit in time out, would kick, hit, bite, and be very abusive to the teachers and other children. I absolutely do not believe in this diagnosis and yes, truly believe it is environmental. In this case, parents did not reprimand the child or support the teachers at our daycare. I know I will gain a lot from this course.
I really like the functional behavior analytic view because it gives us pause to think about what our children are getting out of the behavior they exhibit. Indeed, it is both nature and nurture that makes us who we are.
I think that in some cases talking to a counselor or someone outside the situation might help Oskar to be able to express what he is lacking or needing but if the mother does not change how she reacts to the fits and does not stop giving in to him he will continue to do what works for him.
I have had a few little boys(around 3yrs old)...not girls... with behavioral issues. I find the behavior is very annoying and frustrating to anyone caring for these boys. In my experience, it ALWAYS helps to change the adult behavior! And also to talk to the kids these boys are interacting with. It doesn't hurt to teach people at a young age that the way we react to someone's behavior can greatly affect the way that person continues to interact with people. Also, honoring the feelings of the person who is misbehaving. I think at a young age, parenting classes or some kind of help for the adults is key in helping a child learn to function cooperatively. TEAM WORK!! Regarding older children, I had some personal experiences with my 13 yr old (19 now, functioning well). She was really acting out. To make a long story short, we both went to counseling together. It helped me realize what I could be doing differently(being more clear, assertive and less emotional) It helped us both realize that there really were some underlying issues that needed to be expressed and talked about(past family stuff). It helped her realize that I was really a pretty great parent. Full of love for her! Just doing my best with the tools I was (or wasn't) given. I'm so glad we went together!!! There are so often so many things going on when a child, or adult, is "acting out." Patience, hard work and understanding can go a long way!
Professional help does not necessarily mean a series of counseling sessions or medications. One or two sessions with a trained counselor who knows what she/he is talking about could be enough to guide the parents in the right direction. As an educator for almost 20 years, in this complex society, it seems our children face dilemmas that we never had to cope with during our childhood. Therefore, as parents and teachers we have the responsibility continue to research new ways to work with children. This course covers the subject of CHILD BEHAVIOR very well.
I think that talking to a counselor would not be a bad idea, but I do not think that it would "fix" the problem. The mother needs to be willing to set boundaries . Oskar is throwing these fits because he has learned that at some point his mother will give in to him. I for sure agree that as a mother sometimes that is the easiest route, but he needs some serious consistency.
Leah Freek
I as a mother think this is very interesting and it is unfortunate that children do this to us. Our kids know exactly what buttons to push to get there way. As a parent we need to figure out ways to deal with there behavior more positively.
Jeni Roybal
This point of view is one thing many learning enviroments struggle with. Even with the seclusion of behavioral implementation in the classroom with out full parental cooperation the behavior will not change. Daily we see children "use" their parents to get their way by fits or bribery...with the child leading the scenario . once involved in the class, knowing what is expected of the child from the teacher we see a different behavior. There are the children who have wht would be described as "mental" reasons for misbehavior. but even these children can be taught proper reactions to various triggers.
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